Finding yourself after a break up


The pain cracked him, I saw the man I loved torn in two as I broke the news.

I was leaving.

It felt devastating for us both. The inevitable question, “why?” asked with downcast eyes, and a deep knowing that this time there was nothing to fight for.

The decision was made. Our relationship was over.

It hurts, doesn’t it? That painful point when two people who come together in love, lives entwined, following a rhythm that feels like the same heartbeat, suddenly are separated.

At that moment you break up, you are both changed. For better or for worse you are no longer who you were as a couple.

The emotions are mixed, freedom, doubt, fear, relief, regret and sadness.

I needed time.

Space to be by myself. Time to absorb the magnitude of my decision. Knowing I loved him but could no longer be with him. I’m sure you get it. That you’ve been there in some shape or form in your life. Needing to dig deep, be courageous and take a stand.

What I know is that these are moments that change you.

They are life-defining moments.

Even though your life feels like you are gazing at a mirror, shattered into a million shards of splintered glass, these are the moments that shape you, change you and redefine you.  Click to Tweet.

These are the moments that you take a stand and say, “Yes this is me. This is who I am. This is my essence, and I will walk a path that is true for me.”

So what does it take to rebuild yourself? How do you put the pieces of your life back together and find yourself again?

Here are the ways I helped heal my heart, I hope they help you too…

  • Support

I needed to know that the people around me who love me were backing me, that they were there for me however I was. My friends held a gentle space for me and my grief. Checking in, listening, accepting. Letting me be, just as I was.

  • Refuge

The next thing I needed was a bolthole. A safe place where I could be undisturbed with my pain. A place that allowed me to feel so I could move through. I’ve learned over the years that you can’t go around the pain; you need to go through it.

  • Nurture

I was also aware that I needed physical touch, my body missing being held in strong arms. I made sure I had regular massages and bodywork to give my body the nurture I craved.

  • Nature

I also found myself around water a lot at that time. I visited the ocean, rivers and even ponds in the park, drawing on its healing properties to mend my heart.

Then as I started to rebuild and feel stronger what I needed changed.

I wanted more social time with my friends. Expanding my energy back out from my trusted inner circle to a broader group of friends. I became more extroverted (as much as an introvert can be!) Happy to sit and chat with strangers on the train again. Less insular. Less protected, my defenses slowly ebbing away.

I desired travel. I am fortunate to be able to make this happen so I travelled. Rediscovered me.  Laughed again.

I felt lighter. Open-hearted. Playful. Connected.

I was reminded of an old lesson repeated, that grief is temporary and love is eternal.

I felt my strength returning, a power running through my body along with a mischievous spirit that I hadn’t witnessed for a long time.

I was home.

Back to my essence.

Ready to love again, and for that, I am forever grateful.

With love,


9 Responses to “Finding yourself after a break up”

  1. Kim

    Beautifully articulated with courage – its that last phrase: “I was home. Back to my essence. Ready to Love again, and for that I am forever grateful”…. what a mystery…. you Love, that love changes form, you continue to love and yet there is a process of reconnection with self, that coming home…. in order to love again even though it never stopped…. the paradox so profound…. Thank you for sharing Danielle – it feels intimate and real.

  2. Daisy

    Thank you for sharing, I am touched. Thank you for being so true to yourself. God Bless and take care xxoo

  3. Faith Martin

    Unconditional love doesn’t go away whether we are together or apart. Unconditional love is accessible every moment of the day and no one owns that choice except ourselves. And so in or out of relationship is a new level of transformation and an opportunity for both parties to step into the next level of level and transformation.

  4. Chloe

    Me and my boyfriend are on a break and I’m pretty sure we’re breaking up, I’ve been so broken but this is really helpful, it makes me feel like although I feel broken, I also feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I used to have hope that he’d come back to me. Now I have hope that I can come back to myself.

  5. crushed

    Fine if you are the one doing the leavig. What if you are the one on the other end? My wife says needs space and freedom and now I am faced with the prospect that I made the woman I love miserable for untold years. The guilt and loneliness are unbearable.


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